The Fear of Failure

I am afraid of failure. I think I always have been, but when I was younger it wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't try that many things that I was just straight up terrible at, but I'm pretty sure that is because I didn't try things if I knew I wouldn't be good. Now that I am older, however, I have come to realize that there are things I want to do that I may not be good at the first time I try it. Maybe I actually have to work at something. Running is one of those things for me.

I really want to be a runner. I love the way I feel after I have gone for a run. I hate it while I'm doing it, though. I'm really not great at running at all. I am slow, I run out of breath easily, I want to give up and quit. The other part of me, though? The other part of me dreams of being in excellent health, of having a runner's physique. I want the accomplishment of running a 5k, then a 10k, a half-marathon, and then the whole entire marathon. I want to know that I can be that dedicated, that disciplined.

I have tried running before a few times. The first time it just didn't appeal to me. I started in the winter and it was cold and wet. It hurt my throat and nose and eyes. That time lasted about a week. The next time I was doing really well. I lived close to work so I wasn't waking up too early to go running. I started the Couch-to-5k plan and was about half way through whenever I got sick with the flu or a cold or something dumb. I couldn't breathe to run (or at least I didn't know how at that point.. I still don't, actually) and I really didn't have the energy to get out of bed with a fever and stuffy head to go running. I lost too much time and would have had to start all over. I was very sad, but also quite unmotivated to do it again. It was such hard work getting to that point and I was too upset to start over. Since then I have run every once in a while, but not enough to keep up any type of progress.

That brings us to now. I'm not going to say that now is any different than any of the times before, but it is a little. Now I know that I will face days that I don't want to get out of bed. Now I know that I can do it, it just takes work. Now I know that there will be days I feel like I am losing progress, but the point is that I am still doing it. Now I have a friend to run with occasionally. Now I have someone to teach me what to do. Now I have so much more information than I have before, and knowledge is power.

I truly hope that this time will be different. I hope that at this point next year I will be able to say that I have made serious progress. And above all else, I hope I don't fail.